By God's grace and love, and by working His will through life itself, we have purchased and installed Emma's headstone. It's simply beautiful and unique. It's so hard to believe that God has provided for us yet again. We didn't think we would be able to purchase one for some time. Here's a picture of it, completely installed and finished. In less than a year God has taken care of all the medical bills and provided a headstone. He's an amazing God!
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When we are born we are given one chance at life. There are no re-do's. We live every single day with no ability to go back in time. We cannot live in fear. We cannot live in faithlessness. Our hope lies in Jesus Christ and our eternal place in heaven. That's what I strive to do every single day. I cannot wallow in sorrow over Emma passing away. I choose not to. I choose to live my life as the voice she never had. I choose to live my life as declaration of faith to Christ ... my Christ ... who died on the cross for me!!! Emma was never given the chance to live her life to the fullest, one day at a time. She never even took her first breath. But, every day I am given the gift of a new day ... one more day to tell others about Christ, to live as an example of His gracious love and tender mercy. Every day I get to live my life for Christ. I cannot think of a better way to honor Emma and all the blessings that have truly come from her death. God takes care of us through it all, giving us the strength we need when we need it the most. In my weakest He is strongest.
It's been a little over 10 months since Emma passed away. Strange how time flies but seems to stand still all at the same time. In the last 10 days much has happened. We received a grant from KW Cares (that's Keller Williams) that has completely paid all of my medical bills from our stay in the hospital PLUS Emma's headstone. We did not think we were going to be able to buy her headstone for some time, but God surprised us. He always does (and in such a way that you KNOW it's Him and nothing else). In addition, a lot has happened with Johnny in his real estate career. He went from working it part time to being a full time agent and in doing so is now just busting loose. It's awesome to see how much his business has grown - and we attribute it to God intervening at a crucial time this past summer. God works through so many different people and situations that I am always surprised at how beautiful He weaves our lives with others. It's an amazing tapestry when you step back and look at it in detail. Through the KW Cares, Johnny's real estate story has now been recognized by the co-founder of Keller Williams and is going to be part of the inspirational message that will be given during the Keller Williams Family Reunion event next month. It's amazing. God is amazing.
Do you see how much God can do if you let Him, if you get out of the way? I just find it beautiful and amazing and very humbling to work for such an awesome God. I truly mean that. Even through Emma's passing we have tried to stay faithful to God - always acknowledging His plans for us. It has not been easy at times. There have been moments where we try to do things ourselves only to have them fall apart. We just keep relying on God and He keeps providing ways for us to get better, for our faith to increase, for His love for us to show through. I just love that. Thank you, Lord, for everything ... for every blessing and every trial and tribulation. Thank you It's been awhile since I've posted but a lot has been going on. Christmas is just around the corner and we have been going 90 to nothing here at the Duke home. It's weird. I feel like my whole pregnancy with Emma, her death, her funeral, etc. have almost never happened. It's as if it were a dream. I know it did happen, but life continues on for the living. I have two beautiful children who require my attention every single day, but every single day I still think about and remember Emma. Whether I'm doing laundry or working on a quilt, my thoughts go back to her. I wonder what type of person she would be .. would she be outgoing like James or a free-spirit like Lauren? Would she be crawling and pulling up on everything now? Would her eyes be as big as Lauren's were when she was little? Would she giggle lot? How would Emma, James and Lauren all interact together? Would James dote on Emma or yell that she's chewing on something of his. Would Lauren be playing Balto with her on her bed? All of these thoughts run through my head. I went through the kids' clothes the other day for a new quilt I'm planning and in the process I found Emma's clothes - the ones that she was given or that we bought for her. It broke my heart to see those cute little pink clothes. One of these days I'm going to work on a quilt that contains all of my children's old clothes, and Emma's will be among them. Despite the feeling that my pregnancy and her birth/death were but a dream, I fully realize that she was (and is) part of me and this family. She may have only been here with us a very short time, but I want her clothes to be included in the quilt, my children's quilt. I think I'll call it, "Mama's Memories".
For all of you who are grieving this Christmas season, please continue to pray and lift up your thoughts and feelings to Christ. He knows. He understands and He lov "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you." - 2 Corinthians 4:7-12
It is now almost eight months since Emma died. Although I still miss her, I know that through this struggle of grief, I am not crushed. I am not in despair. I am not abandoned. I am not destroyed. Jesus is with me every single day. Yes, death is part of this world, but through Jesus, I am alive and He is at work in me. Just this morning I was thanking God for all that He has done in my life - even for Emma's death. It sounds strange, but through her death I have seen God's handiwork in my life. I have seen the truth and love of Jesus spread like a wildfire among some that I know. I have been a witness to His love for others. That for me is worth it - to know that my sweet little baby achieved her purpose here on earth simply by dying. My joy is real. My love for Christ is real. Loving God does not mean that you choose to love Him only when things are good. Loving God means truly loving Him even when life doesn't go as planned. It means resting on Him and in His Word day in and day out, through the joys, the trials, the tribulations, the seemingly meaningless and meaningful parts of life. Don't turn your back on God when life turns bitter and cold. Even in the bitter and cold, there is warmth and love waiting within God's arms. He's reaching out to you every single day...take His hands and curl up in His love. It's really not as hard as you might think it is.
About two weeks ago I went to the website www.kickstarter.com which is an online fundraising website. Once your submission is approved, you can set up a fundraising campaign to fund your creative project. A friend of mine was able to self-publish her book through this resource. I submitted my project to kickstarter last week and was informed that my project did not meet their guidelines and was therefore denied. After reviewing their website a little bit more, I believe it was denied beause of the Christian content of my book. It's very sad. But, I cannot help but believe that God has a better plan out there for me and this book. I shall keep trying. There's too much at stake to just let it drop.
I received a publishing contract in the mail earlier this week. While I'm excited about it, I've already decided not to accept this one. They are considered a vanity publisher and want me to pay $4,000 for the publicist. I cannot afford this. I won't name the publisher, but I just feel that this is not the right publisher for me. I know God will lead me to the right one - all in His time.
Please continue to pray for the printing of this book. It can help so many people. From my journal:
In two more days Emma will celebrate her six month Heaven-day. I still miss her so much. Every day I think of her, wonder what she would be like or doing now if she were still here. Would she be crawling, starting to get a tooth? Perhaps she'd be pulling up on the furniture or not yet sleeping through the night. Would she have James wrapped around her little finger? Would Lauren be teaching her how to play Balto? She may not be doing these things here. Who knows ... Instead, maybe she's being passed from one relative to another - cooing and giggling at Aunt Alma, Grandma and Grandpa, or her great Pa-Pa and Ma-Ma and all of her other relatives that we miss so much. Is Jesus playing with her and giving her all those hugs and kisses for me - the ones I keep sending up there? Our beautiful daughter is surrounded by things I'll see one day - the gorgeous colors, the beautiful light of God, the singing of angels and the peace of love. Oh, how I miss her. My heart bursts with the love I can't give her now. But one day - one day I will. I'll be up there in heaven with her, where I'll get to meet her face to face, hold her in my arms once more. But this time I'll be able to see her beautiful eyes, hear her call my name, and feel her arms wrap around me in a heavenly hug. There are two things I long for - to see Jesus and give Him a lifetime of hugs and to see my two beautiful children who have been waiting for me. In the meantime, I'll live my life with purpose - to fill the hearts and minds of those I love with God's Word and the love of Jesus. But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus. - 1 Thesa I heard back from Brother Dan yesterday. He thought the book was touching and had a few suggestions. I will be working on those to make it easier to read. I sincerely appreciate his time and thoughts. God is providing for our daily needs right now. I appreciate the time He's giving me to work and finish this book before opening the door to the right publisher. He knows what this book needs and when it needs it more than me. I'm simply waiting on Him for direction and letting everything fall into place.
As for me, I'm doing better than I deserve (as stated by Dave Ramsey). I still have moments of sadness and grief and am sure I will for quite some time. September 11 will mark her six month heaven-day. Even through my grief, though, I am still at peace. God still comforts me. He still protects me. He still stands strong for me when I lean on Him and cry out to Him. I still love Him more and more with each day. We water her tree at the cemetery several times a week and every time I realize how much I miss her, but the pain of missing her has gotten less. The interesting thing is that I've met others at the cemetery and am able to listen to their stories and grieve with them over their loss. There's a connection with each of the people who have relatives buried there. We met a gentleman about a month ago who buried his 22 year old son. He said it was harder on him to bury his son than his wife. As I've heard many times, no parent should have to bury their own child. But, life doesn't always work out the way we intend it. God has plans for us and as Romans 8:28 says, all things work for the good of those who believe. I still firmly believe that. God has given me opportunities to witness to others. I'm taking the opportunities when they are presented and gifting others with the hope of God's grace in my life and theirs as well. God is great...never forget that - no matter what sorrow you may be experiencing. |